Being Culturally Inept

So, now that I've been here for over a month (I can't believe it's been that long already!!), I'm beginning to feel a bit more comfortable around people here. The thing is, it takes me a while to warm up to people and be myself. I really am an introvert by nature, and when you throw in a whole new culture to the mix, I'm even more likely to draw inward and do a lot of observing first. Also, at first, I wasn't sure if anyone could understand what I was saying, so I adopted a very broken-sounding type of English (meaning I paused a lot) until I was more confident that others could understand me.

Well, now I'm beginning to feel more confident trying out Swahili. Although I HATE to make mistakes, I know enough vocabulary to make a few sentences and I'm trying to learn what I can while I have the opportunity. Also, I'm feeling more confident speaking English with quite a few people. It's funny though, how I've picked up on language nuances that they have here. Such as: instead of saying "my legs are sore from climbing this past weekend", they say "my legs are paining from climbing this past weekend"(that kind of cracks me up). Another thing, instead of saying "my sister is away at college", they say "my sister is in university". So going back to "cracks me up", they have NO idea what that means (*sigh). So, the problem now is that I've become more familiar and comfortable with people, I've begun to express myself as we do in America. But, of course, a lot of it doesn't make sense to people here, so I have to be careful and clear when I speak.

But, really that's just the beginning of the cultural differences. For instance, people here don't really say what they mean. They say what people want to hear and there seems to be an unwritten expectation that you will say what they want to hear. So every time you ask someone how they feel, the response is "fine" (which I guess is not so different from the United States). But, as I've learned, when people ask for favors, or something like that, they expect you to say yes and live in the hope that you will actually follow through. But, I don't know how I feel about that; about telling people "yes" and then just not following through. I've always been a person who values the truth and I've always been big on expressing how I really feel about situations. But, I'm beginning to question whether or not that is wise while I'm here. (and yet, here I am expressing exactly how I feel in a blog entry. *sigh)

As I am constantly experiencing new things, I'm beginning to feel more and more inept all the time. It's like, when I first got here, my body was here and it was experiencing everything and everything was so new and exciting. But, not my mind has begun to catch up and I'm forced to make sense of everything and decide how I really feel about what's happening. How do I feel about teachers who slap their students' hands with a long stick when they misbehave? How do I feel about being considered rich? How do I feel about lying to people because that's what they want to hear? It's tough trying to make sense of everything because not everything fits into my cultural scheme.

And, then going back to the whole Swahili and language difference issue. Sometimes I feel like I'm a disappointment because I don't know Swahili. There are so many people that I can't talk to because we don't know the other's language. So, some people seem frustrated that I can't learn Swahili fast enough. And then there's the whole issue (which of course has been brought to my attention) that I'm leaving in June, so why am I bothering to learn the language? (And of course, it's not in so many words, but that's the way it comes out to me.) Or, maybe what they really mean is: if you're taking so much time to learn the language, why don't you stay longer so you can use it? Everyone wants me to stay longer, everyone wants me to be involved in everything with the church and the school. Of course, it's that way in the States, too. Everyone wants your time, your money, and your resources. So, here I am, a missionary, dedicating a few months of my life to this work and furthering the cause of Christ, but I'm feeling more and more inept every day.

I don't know the language well enough. I don't know how to teach English that well (sometimes I really wonder if I'm really helping the students at all). I'm trying to be involved in the church because that's why I'm here. I have to do so many things the long way (like hand washing clothes). I'm trying to find time for myself so I can keep my sanity. It's like juggling all the balls that I'm used to, but then throw in a few more balls for all of cultural differences thrown at me. It's tough sometimes and sometimes I'd rather be home where things are "easier". And by that, I mean, at least I can communicate with everyone there and I can express myself and be fully understood. Like, for example, I tried to explain to someone the difference of an introvert and extrovert. But, they totally didn't get it.

So, for now I'm picking my way along. More and more people ask me all the time why I won't stay longer in Tanzania. I know it's not meant to, but it makes me very defensive. I'm planning to go back to the US to get my masters which is going to take another 3 years of my life. Someone asked if I'll come back after I finish my masters, but all I can say is "If it is God's will, I will come back." And, of course, that person said, "then you must pray for it to be God's will for you to come back." But, the truth is, it's not as easy as that. A lot can happen in 3 years and who knows what my situation will be then (in every sense: physically, emotionally, financially, etc.). We cannot know the mind of God and we cannot bend His ultimate will for our lives. We must accept that things might or might not happen and we must trust Him to help us deal with the issues that we face. Thus, I am torn: do I tell people the truth that "I don't know when or if I will be back.", or do I lie and say "Of course I'll be back when I graduate!" and give them a false hope? I hate lying...

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

May the LORD bless you and keep you,
~Christine