Well, it's official: I will not be able to defer enrollment to graduate school (because of the University policies) or even a semester (because of my program). Thus, I am sticking to the original plan and returning to the US this June. It makes me incredibly sad to think that my departure from Tanzania is only two months away. It seems like such a long time sometimes, but other times it's just not enough to finish everything I want to do. But, I must ask myself in the next breath: would my job ever be finished? Each year there would be new students eager to learn music and English and I would continue to feel an obligation to help them reach their full potential. Thus, the job is never-ending.
When I left to come here, I had big plans and I wanted so much to make a difference in the lives of the people and the children here. But, oftentimes I wonder if I have done that. Sometimes it is so hard to know if I have had even the slightest impact on anyone. Sometimes I question whether or not it was even worth it to come for such a short period of time. I feel like as soon as I have made connections with people it is nearly time to leave! I can see now how important it is for missionary people to make long term commitments when choosing to enter the field. Don't get me wrong, shorter-term missions are fine, but it takes time to establish yourself in a foreign community and to be viewed as an accepted part of it. It takes time to understand enough of the language in order to communicate with people. And even then, it's shallow things at first such as: "Where are you going?" or "What are you doing?" It's hard to have a deep/meaningful conversation when the two parties have a minimal understanding of the others' language. Even within our own culture it takes time to establish yourself in a new area (of course it's much easier to establish yourself within your own culture. Mostly because there is no language barrier to cross.).
This has been a very eye-opening experience for me and I know that I have changed in many ways. I'm not sure that I'll fully understand that change until I return to my home culture, but I can feel that it is there. I am sure that the way I view life in America and the choices that I make will be greatly impacted by this time. I look back to when I first arrived and I was shocked by how little was here. I can imagine that returning home will have the reverse effect: I will be shocked by how MUCH is there!! I can only imagine how I will feel walking into Wal-Mart (or some other super market) when I return and it seems overwhelming. The "supermarkets" here are TINY!! I'm not even sure that there are any stores in the US that are remotely the size of the shops here that can give you a mental image. Everything in the US is "supersized". But, here "supersized" is simply not an affordable option. People here just don't have the choices that we have in the US, and I'm not just talking about food.
This is something that I've been dwelling on since this past weekend when the subject came up. When I was at Rick and Linn's house, Linn was telling me about a book that she is reading called "The Art of Coming Home". It's for long-term missionaries who are coming home as well as family and friends of those missionaries. There is definitely a culture shock arriving in a new culture, but after living there for an extended period of time, there is a culture shock when returning to the home culture. This book is about the latter of those two culture shocks. I'm very interested to read it because I think that it will be helpful as I am nearing the time when I will transition back to life in the states.
Anyways, back to the topic of choice. Rick and Linn have been spending half of the year in Morogoro and half of the year at their home for the last 4 years (this is their 5th year). She said that one of the hardest things to make peace with is how many choices we have in our culture. Picking out something as simple as cereal or even cheese can become quite the ordeal, especially when you've only had 2-3 options (if that!) for the previous months or even years. Back home we have an ENTIRE isle dedicated just to cereal!! Do we really need so many choices to be happy? It seems that having so many choices would create a burden instead of creating freedom. We're constantly at war with ourselves over what choice will bring us the most benefit. Also, in addition to the supermarkets, we have hundreds of options for food in the form of restaurants ranging in all prices to "fit your budget". Here, most people cannot afford to eat out a restaurants and some cannot even afford to eat everyday. The overall mentality here is "do what is necessary to survive". In the US, the mentality is "how can I get more out of everyone? What do I have to do to climb the ladder of success and be the 'top dog'?" In our western culture, there is so much pressure to succeed in this way that many people experience a variety of negative side effects to health, family, and quality of life in general.
And, then don't even get me started on schools! We have the opportunity to complete school all the way up to secondary school for free because our government provides it. Here, parents have to pay school fees, even in the public schools. In the US, once you graduate high school, you have the choices to go to a trade school, a community college, a small college, a large university, public or private, or even to begin work and not go to college. Here, students are lucky if they get scores high enough that will qualify them for secondary school. Even then, many families cannot afford to send their children because the fees are so high. Most of the time, the children must go one at a time because the parents can only afford to pay the school fees for one child at a time. In addition, most students will never set food inside a university. Here in Tanzania, parents know what education can do for their children and they want to give their children the best opportunities. Unfortunately, the number of students who don't even receive a primary level education is still very high. Though the parents try and get their children into the top schools so that they will have the best chance to get into secondary school, not every student can have those opportunities. The parents see their children as an investment and the hope of most parents is that once their children complete school (and are hopefully able to get a job), they will return to take care of their parents in their old age.
Honestly, neither side seems very healthy to me. But, how do we create a medium between these two worlds? At what point is enough enough? At what point do we say "I need to stop because I have exactly what I need right now."? How do we find contentment in a society that always says "You don't have enough! You need more!" I guess I will have to do a follow up on this entry after I return home because honestly, my head is spinning thinking about all of this!! I'm not even sure if everything that I just wrote will make sense to anyone. And, I know that some will not fully be able to relate to everything I have written for the sole fact that they have not had the opportunity to spend a significant amount of time in a poor culture. That's one of the things that the book I mentioned earlier talks about. One of the most difficult things for returning missionaries is the fact that people back home are unable to relate to the experiences of the missionary. It's not their fault by any means, but long term mission trips certainly has big impacts on people and no one can expect that person to be quite the same as when they left.
Well, I think I must close here so that I can prepare for bed and school tomorrow. I hope that you are having an amazing and blessed week so far. I also hope that you are able to find contentment with everything that God has blessed you with. Remember, even our trials are a blessing because God is using that time to refine us into the people that He has called us to be. Don't give up faith! He is always with you, no matter what is happening in your life!!
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength" Philippians 4:11-13
May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,
~Christine
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