Slowly Saying Goodbye

**WARNING** This blog consists of lots of rambling. ;)

I keep having these realizations that soon my life here is going to come to a close. This chapter of life is finishing and the new one will soon be beginning. Honestly, I'm not sure what's next for me. Things aren't shaping up too well for graduate school, but somehow God has blessed me with a peace that surpasses all understanding. Seriously, I normally would be (and probably should be) totally freaking out right now. I've been rejected from two programs, wait listed from a third, and haven't even heard from the fourth. In the past I've always like clear-cut paths. I'm a planner. I like to know what's going to happen, when it's going to happen, how it's going to happen, down to the very last detail. I guess being in Tanzania has changed that about me; I've really had to learn how to be flexible and open to changes. I mean, last year, our school time-table made at least 4 or 5 changes throughout the year (and not just small changes; I'm talking big changes), and I can't tell you how many times I found out the day before that "We won't be having school tomorrow." Yeah, I've changed. And not just in this one way. I feel like I've been challenged physically, mentally, emotionally, and in pretty much every other way possible beyond any previous life experience. And it's been really hard, but I've survived.

So now here I am, just under two months before I leave, and still not quite believing that it's actually happening. Seriously, where has the time gone? Why is it still racing forward at break-neck speed? Can I pause it, just for a minute so that I can take in everything for the last time? Compared to what has already happened in the last year and four months, these last 8 or so weeks here are simply a drop in the bucket. They are the final footprints that I will leave behind. They are my chance to say good-bye. I'm making my last trips, buying my last fabric for kitenges and dresses to bring home, purchasing the last souvenirs to give away as gifts or keep for myself as tokens of my experience, and I'm making my last effort to cram as much knowledge into the minds of my students as I possibly can. Slowly, I am saying goodbye. Slowly, I'm allowing myself to let go.

It hits me at random times, like slow raindrops before the storm takes over. I think "Oh wow! I'm going back to America soon!" I'll be able to eat whatever kinds of food I like, I can get a haircut, I can get my new tennis shoes that are waiting for me at my house, I can drink water out of the faucet, I could wear shorts again if I wanted to! But, it hasn't quite hit me yet that going there means leaving here; that I can't have both at the same time.

It's time to leave. I know in the depths of my heart that it is. When I compare how I felt at this time last year to how I'm feeling now, I know that God is calling me back to the states. Plus, my stock of American goods is running pretty low. My stash of "exotic teas" is almost finished. My tennis shoes have been repaired twice and have gone well over 600 miles in addition to playing frisbee and volleyball. My hair is longer than it's been in quite some time and looking pretty shabby. It's almost embarasing to have it down. The excitement about speaking Swahili is wearing off a bit and I'm ready to be in an "English only" or at least an "English mostly" country. I've seen the sites all over the country. I've smelled the smells (which are not always quite pleasant). I've tasted the food (or in some cases force-fed myself; as in the month when all lunches and dinners consisted of only beans and rice). I didn't just come to Tanzania, I LIVED Tanzania. And I am so thankful and blessed because of it.

I feel good about the progress my students have made. I feel like an accomplished teacher and I'm glad that I never followed through on my vow to "never teach". I think God laughed at that; I think He laughs at me a lot sometimes (meaning, all the time). But, that's ok. I'm living and learning, just like everyone else. I love these kids so much; all I want is their future success. This has challenged me very much as a teacher to expand my curriculum to include other activities that will give them a more rounded English education. I've tried to take every chance I have to speak words of encouragement and belief into their lives. I want them to know that they have power to change their world and that they have the chance to make choices; be they good or bad. I've tried to force them to think about things in new ways (especially through my journal topics).  I've tried to challenge them with vocabulary because I believe that is the key to fully understanding a language. I'm working with them on reading, the parts of a story, and comprehension. I've worked with them on writing and how to construct a sentence or a paragraph. The students in Classes VI and VII have even written essays. They don't know that that's what they've done, but it is. I remember where we started last year in January and it was terribly overwhelming to realize how much we needed to cover. But, we took it one step at a time, and I can see and hear the difference. That is the rewarding part of being a teacher: knowing what your students have accomplished and realizing that it was them who did it; all you had to do was them there.

So yes, it's time to go. And I'm thankful that I get to say goodbye slowly. I'm glad there's time for me to close things down the way I want them to be. I'm happy with the way things have turned out. Praise God!!

May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,
~Christine