Disillusionment

So, lately I've been thinking a lot about foreign aid and how it impacts poor countries. Honestly, I feel like I'm becoming more and more disillusioned to the idea of foreign aid after having lived here in a poverty stricken area for many months now. I feel like I am coming to the conclusion that there are two types of foreign aid: the kind that tears down and the kind that builds up.

Now, you may ask, how is there a kind of aid that tears people down? Aid is supposed to be good, right? I mean, the definition of aid is "to help with support or relief". How can it possibly be a bad thing to provide support or relief? But, if it comes in the wrong form, it can have negative impacts. For example, people in underdeveloped countries don't have a lot of clothes, so people in developed countries say "Oh my goodness! There's a problem, those people don't have enough clothes! How can we solve the problem quickly? Let's collect a bunch of old, used, or messed up clothes that no one wants anymore and ship them to the poor countries!" That will help solve the problem, right? But, the problem continues, so more and more clothes are sent over. Soon, the people in the underdeveloped countries begin to rely on the free clothes that are being passed out from developed countries. And, as they rely more and more heavily on the free clothes from the developed countries, they begin to gain the mindset that they can't buy their own clothes from local shops or even make their own clothes. All they have to do is wait for a while and some free clothes will come their way. The same thing happens with money, medical supplies, help with infrastructure, etc.. If developed countries just keep sending over more and more money for these things, people in underdeveloped countries learn that they don't have to do anything but wait. It will come eventually. This is disabling because eventually the people and government officials will develop a mindset that "I can't do anything for myself. I have to wait for others to do it for me." Eventually, after many years, an entire country can develop this mindset. It's like a complete shut down for the country and even encourages corruption. Government officials feel free to stuff the country's money into their own pockets. Developed will come in to save the day for everyone else. In the end, this completely disables the country and it's citizens.

But, then there is the kind of aid that builds a country up. This is not the "easy" kind of aid that is provided by simply sending over a check or clothes. This is the rough and tough kind of aid that is provided by dedicated people who partner with a country, a tribe, a village, etc. This is where people from developed countries choose to come over and physically get dirty. When they require the citizens to actively participate in a project that will improve their lives. For example, imagine a group of citizens in an underdeveloped country wants to build a church. The idea would be that they would be required to collect money - maybe half of what it would take to build the church - while people from a developed country provided the other half of the money. Then, once the money was raised, both groups come together to build the church building. This empowers the people in the underdeveloped country because they are then part of the process of improving their lives/community. In the end, they have helped accomplish something big and meaningful for them and their community. And, honestly, that sense of accomplishment is addictive and empowering. If they can do that, with the help of foreign aid, what else could they do, and what could they do on their own? So, they choose their next project and keep going, making improvements to the community and their lives.

A missionary that I met here was telling me about a water project he was working on. A village was wanting/needing a water well so they could have clean water. But, when he told them that they would have to provide some of the bricks and that they would have to help build it, they refused. They simply wanted the water well, they didn't want to have to work for it. Other villages got water wells for free, without having to provide any kind of labor either, so why couldn't they have the same thing? I can't remember if the issue was ever resolved, but I can imagine that it would take time. The village would probably wait for a while because that's what so many people here think: "If I just wait and do nothing, someone else will do it for me". I hope that you see my point. The thing is, simply giving into the village's demands would disempower them, causing them to continue to feel like they have to rely on everyone else to do things for them. But, if that the village were to actually agree to provide bricks and man power, they would feel a sense of accomplishment when the project was finished. And that sense of accomplishment would hopefully encourage future actions of development.

I can't tell you how many people have asked me for things: money, a job, a letter so they can immigrate to America, or even my phone. Honestly, sometimes I get really angry. I just want to yell "isn't it enough that I've given up so much already to be here? I gave up time with friends and family, a comfortable life, and even my acceptance into graduate school!" But, one I get past that, it makes me really sad. And I have to ask myself, is it really worth it to just give these people what they're asking for? If I were just to hand out money to everyone who asks, I feel like I would be reinforcing the helpless attitude that I see so often here. It makes me sick to think about. But, at the same time, everyone needs it; everyone is desperate for some kind of relief, no matter how fleeting it may be. It's not easy, but I've made my decision that simply giving out free "gifts" to everyone is only going to compound the problem and reinforce a mentality that has taken hold of so many.

In contrast, I do believe in the effects of education and what a good education can do for people. Education is empowering because it helps people get jobs. It opens people's minds to what is out there in the world to see and participate in. It gives people opportunities that they would not otherwise be able to have. And, it reveals the problems the country is facing and helps students think of solutions to those problems. And, maybe those solutions require a degree of foreign aid, but it can't rely on the aid. At some point, steps need to be taken to help these underdeveloped countries become independent and self-sufficient. So, I guess my hope is that what I am doing is actually helping and not hurting people. I want to be a positive power in this world, not a negative one.

Of course, I will admit that there are many more problems than simply the defeating efforts of foreign aid. For example, there's also the problem of exploitation that is continuously supported by developed countries in the interest of cheap goods and labor. But, that's an entry for another time.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi

I hope that your week is off to a great start and that God is blessing the work that you are doing.

May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,
~Christine

Missionaries are Just People with a Mission

I am now a mere eleven days from my (temporary) departure from Tanzania. I'm not going to lie, I'm really ready to be gone NOW. This is certainly not to say that I don't want to come back, or that I regret my decision to stay for another year. But, the very fact that soon I will be heading home to friends and family who have been supporting me throughout this mission has been consuming my mind. I keep trying to imagine what it's going to be like to see everyone again, but it seems that so many things have become fuzzy in my head. I have adapted so well to life here in Tanzania, that it seems (in some ways) that I have forgotten what it's like to be home in the US!

Well, as I prepare to leave, I've been trying to reflect on my time here and what I need to do differently when I get back. I already have long lists of things that I want to bring back with me. One of the main things I want to bring back are copies of worksheets for the students to do. Recently, I gave the students tests that the vast majority of the students bombed. I was very upset with the students, but mostly myself. As a teacher, my job is to prepare the students to take the tests and if they fail the tests, it's my fault for not teaching the material well enough. But, then I'm so limited in what I can do. The number of resources that I have to work with are so minimal and it drives me crazy. I also have a ton of stuff I want to bring back so that I can continue teaching the students about music. I left so many resources that I gathered during college at home, and I've really been regretting that decision. Also, I've asked the head teacher if, when he re-makes the school schedule for the second semester, I could be given specific times for music. Right now, I've been having to ask him all the time what periods I can teach music. It's so much easier for me if I know specific days and times that I will be teaching. Then, I can be prepared. He readily agreed and I made a note for him so he would not forget.

But, these are only surface level, practical things that I want to change. One big thing that I need to change is my attitude towards being a missionary and missionary work. I've realized that missionaries are people too. Just because you decide to serve in a foreign country does not automatically make you superwoman/superman. And, it doesn't mean that you will suddenly stop having emotions, or that suddenly you are a more Godly person than you were when you left. God only knows how many days I've woken up and just didn't want to do anything except lie in bed because I was so tried of being here. And I'm sure God has counted how many times I've yelled "Lord have MERCY!" in frustration. (Honestly, I think that's my new catch-phrase. LOL) And, no matter how many people want assistance from me, and as much as I want to offer that assistance, I can't help everyone and I can't do everything. But, in spite of everything that I must face, I am so blessed to be here. I thank God for the roof over my head (even if it's made of tin and is mighty loud during the rainy season), and the food that I have to eat (even if I don't have the same variety I would back the in US), and the fact that I've been able to make friends and connections here (even if I haven't known them as long as I've known people back home). But, honestly, it doesn't matter where in the world I were to choose to live, there would be many trials and there would be good days and there would be bad days. And, the truth is, at the end of the day, I'm so incredibly blessed to be here, serving these people and having these experiences.

So my conclusion is that a missionary is just a person with a mission. The mission field can be at your home, anywhere in your country, or it can be abroad. Missionary work is not limited to people who are helping the poor overseas. Sadly, I think that's a common misconception with missionary work. Although I do feel a strong calling to be abroad and God is greatly blessing and rewarding this work, I know that there are others who don't feel that same drive to be overseas. So, why not find a way to minister to those who are living near you? Why not find a way to minister to your family or in your workplace? All you have to have is some kind of purpose, even if it's only to make someone smile. :) Also, I think there are just so many stories out there of missionaries who have done such great things and all we see through those stories are the successes. I think that we forget about all of the failures, setbacks, and insecurities those people fought to get to that place of success. We forget how many times those people cried out "Lord have MERCY!!" or worse even as they tried to push through. Let me tell you, I have a LOT of respect for people who were missionaries before the modern world where email, skype, and phones connect us all. I can't imagine being the only white person in an area where no one speaks my language or knows my customs and I don't know or understand theirs. But, again, those people weren't super, they just happened to have a very big God on their side. :)

Another thing that I've realized is that I haven't really shared with my students (and maybe people in general) why I am here. (it's a terrible and almost embarrassing realization, I know!!) It came to my attention recently that the students don't really understand why I'm here. This was a rather shocking revelation for me because I just kind of assumed that they did (especially since Matt was here all last year, too). Many of the students have been complaining to me about all the work I'm giving, and it seems that every time I walk into a classroom, it's just a big whine fest. It's been really discouraging for me (in addition to all the test failures), and I've been getting frustrated because I've given up so much to be here for these kids. So, I went out on a limb today and asked class VI why they thought I was here. Honestly, I don't think they've ever even considered the question. But, after a drawn out silence, one student did answer "to teach English", which is a correct answer, but that's only part of it. I asked them if they thought the school paid me, and when I told them that the school did not pay me to be here, they were completely floored. They can't understand why someone would come here to work without being paid. I also asked if they thought I had any friends or family here before I came and they answered "no", which is the correct answer. I told them about being a missionary and what that means. I told them that the reason I'm here is because I care about them and I want to teach them well. Again, I don't think they've ever considered these things before, but now that I've brought it to their attention, maybe it will get their minds going. And, I hope it gives them just a little bit of perspective. It definitely lets me know that I need to be more open to sharing with others about my purpose for being here: God loves me and He loves Tanzania. I'm here to serve Tanzania and empower students through education. That's the only way change will happen here: when we empower the people to change their own lives.

"For by the grace given to me, I say to every one of you: do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others." Romans 12:3-5


May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,
~Christine

School Systems

Soooo, I started this entry a while ago and have decided that I should finish it!

Lately, I've been reflecting on how different it must be to grow up in schools here in Tanzania compared to the US. One day, I was teaching music class to Class VI and I was trying to teach them about proper breathing technique when singing. I had them put their hands on their stomachs so they could feel the in and out motion of their diaphragm as opposed to the up and down motion of their shoulders. Some of them weren't getting it and I was seriously thinking about making them lay down on the floor with their exercise books on their stomachs. But, I simply can't bring myself to do that. Here, the floors are concrete and are forever covered in a layer of red dirt (which of course would stain their clothes). Yes, the floors in US schools are dirty too, but not nearly like here. Back home there are janitors to clean and mop the classrooms. Here students "sweep" the classrooms every day and they never get mopped. There is no electricity in the school and the windows are like chicken wire with open holes to naturally "cool" the rooms. Classroom resources are non-existent as is any form of playground equipment.

Here, children have to grow up so quickly in so many ways. If a child falls down, no one picks them up and comforts them until they stop crying. They simply have to brush it off and keep going. First graders through seventh graders must travel far distances to school, sometimes involving public transportation, sometimes not. But, there are no school buses that go around to each child's house. Sometimes they are alone and sometimes they are in groups, but either way, there is no parent supervision. In the US, many parents don't even like their dear children to ride the schools buses that are provided by the government. Instead, they physically use gas and time to cater to their children and drive them to school. All of these things just seem so silly now.  Do we really have to hold our childrens' hands through everything? Now I'm certainly am not saying that we should make our first graders walk miles to school, but shouldn't we consider a better way of doing things here? 

It just seems to me that the children back home have almost no responsibility and the children here have too much. But then, how do we find the happy medium between these two cultures? How do we in America take care of our children without baby-ing them and using up excess and unnecessary resources? I know at times it must be tempting to just go ahead and do what we've always done because we have the time and the means, but who are we really benefiting in the end?

Well I hope this has given you something to think about and I also hope you have a great week!!

May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,
~Christine

A Surprise Visitor!!

In some ways my life here in Morogoro seems so mundane and ordinary, but in other ways it feels extraordinary. So much of my life revolves consists of only the necessities of life: eating, breathing, washing clothes, cleaning my room/bathroom, grocery shopping, etc. But, peppered amidst all of the ordinary is the extraordinary. For example, yesterday the CUTEST black baby goat literally walked into my English class just as I was about to give a test. Apparently, it was eager to learn English too. It was definitely one of those "only in Tanzania" moments. I gently guided it back outside as the class and I laughed over the scenario. I remembered seeing that goat the other day as I was walking to the International School for a run. As I passed it, it began jumping and dancing in circles like it was so happy and had no care in the world. If only I could learn to be more like that baby goat: dancing and leaping through life, always eager to step into a new classroom to learn something!!

Here are some updates on my comings and goings for the last week:

On Friday night, some of the missionary ladies and I had a movie night at Linn's house. It was a great time of just hanging out and relaxing. We watched the movie "When in Rome" which I've seen before. I'm not really the romantic comedy type, but I still really enjoyed the chance to get out and do something different for a change. Rick and Linn let me stay the night afterwards which was great. It was kind of like a mini-vacation!! It's so nice once in a while to have a chance to be in a western-style setting and just have a break from all of the cultural stress for a while. I'm finding that I'm used to a lot of things now and as long as I don't deviate from my personal routine too much, I'm good.

Saturday, we didn't end up having ultimate frisbee because not enough people showed up. So I came back to the house and did laundry, cleaned my room/bathroom, prepared for Sunday, and practiced yoga. We had rehearsal for the English choir that night. I've been teaching the choir some more modern songs. Originally, we were just singing hymns, but I think it's time we started branching out a bit. I think they really like it a lot more than the hymns which is nice! I personally LOVE modern worship songs, but I'm still a sucker for the old hymns. :)

Sunday, I got to preach at church. Talk about something I never imagined happening in my future. Haha!! I had plenty of time to prepare (unlike many other events that have happened to me since being here.) My Swahili teacher, Baba Sesi, translated and I think it went well. I chose the topic of faith and how we need to place our faith in God. I talked about what faith is: how the dictionary defines faith and how the Bible defines faith. Then, I discussed how God has proven that He is faithful to those who are faithful to Him by using a few of the countless examples from the Bible (Sarah and Abraham had a son, God led His people through the wilderness, Daniel was saved from the lions den, Jesus was born which fulfilled to prophecy). Thus, I concluded we should trust Him. Finally, I discussed how when we place our trust in Him, we can do amazing things. Like how Peter walked on water, but the moment he took his eyes off of Jesus, he began to sink. We should not allow ourselves to become consumed with the problems of life. We need to keep our eyes focused on Jesus and He will lead us through it all. All in all, it was a trusty three-point sermon (I'm sure any preacher back home would be proud), and I think it went over well. I mean, I haven't really heard anything good or bad from anyone. They want me to preach more, as in 2-3 times a month!! I said I'd definitely be willing to preach again, but I think that they need to hear from other members of the congregation as well. I guess we'll see what happens. Sunday night was the prayer service and then I returned home for karate, dinner, and bed.

The week has been rather un-eventful, save for the appearance of the goat mentioned earlier. I've been reading a LOT lately, but I haven't had much else to do in my free time. I counted how many books I've read since January and I'm on book 17!! I'm currently re-reading The Poisonwood Bible. I'm not sure who all has read it, but I had to read it in high school. I have to say that it is cracking me up reading it from my new perspective!! I can relate so much better to the events of the story and many of those things have happened to me! For example, it made me laugh so hard when Rachel's character is talking about the dress style and how it is inappropriate for women to show their legs. She talks about how women have to "make themselves decent" before leaving home. Which means that they wrap another piece of cloth over their skirt. You will see that all the time here. Also, it made me laugh to read what things the family had decided were important to bring: cake mixes, makeup, nail polish, all types of weather clothes. They had so much stuff that they had to pile it onto their bodies and hide the cake mix and pans under their clothes. Haha!! Of course, that makes me think about the things that I brought because I had decided that I couldn't live without them. I even kind of laugh at myself for bringing my hair straightener which I haven't even gotten to use since I don't have a strong enough converter and I'm afraid of frying it. Thus, I pretty much wear my hair up in a clip or a ponytail every day since I can't make it look nice. It's fine and no one really cares anyways. Haha! For the most part, I think I made some really wise decisions about what to bring. Though, I have to say that I've got a LONG list of things to buy at the store and pick up from my room when I return. :D

In addition to reading, I have been trying to practice my Swahili, and I've been teaching my private piano lessons and teaching the ladies from church English. When I return from my trip home, I'm going to pick up another piano student; an adult who can help train others. I've asked Nadina who she would recommend since she knows the people in the congregation and knows who would actually follow through. Although I have been working with her, she's hoping to go to Drew University in New Jersey this fall as long as she can make arrangements for living. She's wanting to get training so that she can help train church leaders here in Tanzania. So far she has been able to cover everything with scholarship money. The only obstacle standing in her way is her inability to cover the costs of accommodations. Unfortunately, I don't have any connections in New Jersey, so I haven't been able to help. If anyone has advice or would be willing to assist, let me know!!

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,
~Christine

Facing the Giants

I've been fighting a lot of battles lately. A LOT. I feel as though I have been David fighting a whole slew of Goliaths every day for the last week and a half. Today, I'm finding myself completely exhausted and very much in need of rest.

Some of my biggest challenges are at the school right now. Somehow I think that because I am white, people think that I can magically do more than most people can. But, unfortunately, I'm human too, and I can't do everything. Lately, it seems that every student is getting on my case about grading things. It hasn't been a problem in months and I've got a rhythm down, so I'm not sure what happened. I've been having multiple students coming to my desk asking me why I haven't marked their exercise book in two days (it has never been unusual for me to wait a couple of days to check their work). I'm trying to be patient, but when I tell them I'm getting around to it, they just get angry at me. And when I try to send them back to class, they get even more frustrated. I'm not sure what to do. I can't get them to leave me alone and I'm afraid that I'm completely losing my patience.

Another thing that has really messed me up lately is this whole pen pal activity. It was great at first and the students were so excited to send their first letters. I was excited for them and I loved seeing their excitement in their faces as they tried so hard to make their letters perfect and draw all kinds of pictures. Last Friday was a very exciting day. They were completely ecstatic to finally receive their first letters from their pen pals. I told them at that time that the pen pal activity was no longer a class assignment. That they were no longer required to continue writing to their pen pals, but if they wanted to, they were welcome to. I also told them that if they wanted me to, I could give corrections to any further letters that they write. Well, this has completely rocked the boat for me. Not only do I have a pile of new letters accumulating on my desk, but I have stacks of exercise books I'm trying to grade to keep everyone on that front happy. And, like the other students, these students won't let up. If I don't get their letters back within one class period (40 minutes), they come running, wondering why I haven't graded their letters yet. I try to explain that I have a bunch of classwork I need to grade first, but I don't think they believe me. They just keep returning. I appreciate their enthusiasm, but right now, I just don't have the capacity to share in it.

The next battle is a new pen pal activity with Classes V and VI with students in Japan. The purpose of this activity is to write an informative letter explaining Tanzanian culture. Well, let's just say that this whole activity has not gone over nearly as well as the first pen pal activity where the students were simply writing friendly letters. Although I had a talk with each class about culture and they are able to easily discuss verbally many parts of their culture, their ability to write about it is completely limited. It's been like pulling teeth trying to get them to write even 4-5 sentences about clothing or food in Tanzania. Thus, the I've had to grade 36 letter revisions every day last week. And let me just say, it's completely exhausting (plus I had a perpetual headache that continued throughout every day last week. I think it was a weather thing, but it was definitely made worse by all the grading). And what makes it worse is that the students are just as exhausted as I am. All they want is that piece of colorful construction paper so they can write their final draft. Only a few students have reached that point yet and it's frustrating for those who have reached that point. But, I won't give it to them until they have a good letter. Like every other situation, I have an entire group of students who simply won't leave me alone. It's like they think that if they frustrate me enough they'll finally get what they want. But, I won't give in. They need to learn how to express themselves appropriately using English. I don't care how many drafts they have to write, I'm going to help lead them to a good final product. (in my education classes we called it scaffolding. The student is doing the work, but the teacher is there to offer support and help the students build on their skills.) It's really rough right now, but I'm hoping that the reward will be great in the end.

The next big fight is with Kiswahili language. I feel like many people expect me to already be fluent in Swahili and I'm sorry to disappoint them, but I'm not. I even started letting up on my own personal practice during the time I had decided that I was going home to graduate school this June. But, now that I've chosen to stay longer, I've realized how much practicing and learning time I've missed out on. So, now I've put all this pressure on myself to catch up on Kiswahili which is not helping my stress level. There are just so many things I don't understand and I'm trying to be patient with myself as I try to learn and understand it. But, it's really hard to simply be unable to communicate with the people around me.

Thus, I feel completely beat up by the time I return home each day. I know that God will not give us more than we can handle, but right now I'm agreeing with Mother Theresa: I just wish He wouldn't trust me so much. I just have to keep reminding myself that when I signed up for this, I knew it wasn't going to be easy. And honestly, nothing that is really worth doing is every going to be easy. So, I'll just keep pressing forward and praying to God for a LOT of patience. Lord knows I've been needing it, especially today.

I just have to keep reminding myself that break is only 2 weeks away. I think we all need it; the students and me. Many of them study pretty much all day every day. They are at school from 7:30am - 2:40pm and many stay after school until 4pm for tutoring. Then, after that, many of the students meet to study and practice more. They even meet sometimes on the weekend for even more practice. I know they must be completely exhausted with so much work and not enough time to relax and play. They have so much working against them: lack of resources at school and home to prepare themselves, teachers who are not well equipped to teach, illiteracy within their families, poverty. It must be tough trying to overcome all of that and find success. In some ways these students are my heroes. Not only do they have to fight so many obstacles, they're trying to learn three languages (Swahili, English, and French) and all at the same time. And, I'm complaining about trying to learn one new language. *sigh*

Well, I think I need to close things up here. In any case, any prayers you can offer will be greatly appreciated. Prayers for endurance and patience especially. I leave you with this verse that I am clinging to for hope and encouragement:

"We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4

May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,

~Christine

"Real Life"

So, now that it’s May and I’m only a month away before facing American reality again (even if only for a short 2 week visit), I’ve been thinking a lot about reality. It occurred to me recently how often I think of America as “real-life” and Tanzania as “dream-life”. I think of going to graduate school and then after I graduate, I’ll begin my “real-life”. How silly is that?

I think as Americans, we really get caught up in this mentality that what we are experiencing is not nearly as real as what we will experience in the future. We’re so focused on reaching towards new goals that reality can no longer please us. We think: “Oh when I get such-and-such a degree, then my life will really begin.” Or, we think: “When I meet my future spouse, that’s when my life will really begin.” Again, how silly is that?

Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s good to have goals (and I think that here in Tanzania goals and goal setting is not stressed enough), but I think that we take it to an extreme in America. We can never be pleased with what we have because we are only thinking about what we don’t have. It doesn’t help that the media pushes this on us, even when we don’t notice it. I can’t say that I ever noticed it all that much, but that’s probably because I was so used to it. But, I think that when I return it will be very “in your face”. Comparatively, the media here in Tanzania is almost non-existent, and I can’t say that I miss it. It’s actually freeing that holidays are taken down by about five notches of pressure. It’s crazy the things we do to ourselves, stressing over a specific day because it’s marked as “special”. I mean, seriously, the candy isle during Halloween or Easter is bigger than the ENTIRE supermarket here. I never spend more than 5-10 minutes in the supermarket here. Seriously, I’m going to have to have someone go with me on my first visit to Wal-Mart and they’re going to have to hold my hand.

Anyways, as we constantly strive towards the better future, we forget about the present. We forget to take the time to appreciate what’s happening now. I forget that what’s happening now is “real life” too. And in so many ways, this has been the most real life I have ever known. I am living along with the poor. I am learning from them and I hope that they are learning from me. I am hand-washing my clothes at least every other day and I am forced to take public transportation or walk. I eat rice and beans at least once a day and the amount of food variety is severely limited. And, nothing here is easy, not even picking up a package from the post office. Teaching is hard when the only resources you have are a blackboard and a piece of chalk. But, in some ways all of this is freeing. I’m actually participating in my life. People and things aren’t doing the work for me; I am forced to do it all myself. I guess it gives me a sense of accomplishment knowing that I can do these things for myself. In the future, if my washing machine ever breaks, I’ll be able to hand-wash my clothes if I want to. ;)

My calendar that I brought to Tanzania with me has a wonderful quote on it this month directly relating to this topic: “Regret lives in the past, yearning in the future. But, true peace lives only in this moment.” I’m striving to find that peace during my time here. To simply live in the moment and not in the future. It’s a little bit difficult right now because I have a trip to Europe and home coming up within the next month. I keep thinking about how excited I am to see Switzerland, Italy, and France, and then how excited I am to see my family and friends when I return home. But, I want to still take advantage of my time here. It does make it easier to leave, knowing that I’ll be back in mid-July. But, I want to focus on now and what’s happening now in this moment. I want to keep fighting find the peace that the world and American society especially denies us. How ironic, right? Fighting to find peace? But, it’s the truth when we’re bombarded with so many different elements. But, I think that once we make it a habit, it becomes easier; a way of life. I hope that you, too, will fight until you are also able to find peace in your life.

I’ll leave you with this verse:

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 4:7

May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,

~Christine

A Week of Chaos and Excitement!!

Well, I had intended to make this blog entry sooner, but my internet has been out of commission for the last few days. It’s been really tough to get a connection and even tougher to do anything once I do get a connection. It’s been taking about 30 minutes for me to send just one email. It’s terrible!! I just renewed my internet on Sunday, so I should be having really good service right now. I’m supposed to get 30 days of internet access; 2GB at a fast speed and once I use that up, I get the rest on a slower speed which usually isn’t too bad.

Everything seems to be on the fritz, though. Even the power and the water have been really touch and go lately. I guess when something fails, everything fails all at the same time. Oh well… It’s just part of living in a third world country.

This week has been a very busy and exciting week for me. A friend of mine, Sara, is currently living in Japan and teaching English at a school there. She asked me if I wanted to do a pen pal activity between the English language learners here and there.  The goal is for the students to write about things that are important in their culture. Well, the students wrote their first letters and it was a disaster. I had taken a lot of class time to explain culture to students and we came up with an entire list of cultural aspects they could write about. I told them I wanted to write about at least 3 of the different things (food, clothes, religion, arts, language, etc.). Well, I got the first letters and most of them didn’t even write about one!!!! They simply wrote about themselves just like the first pen pal letter they wrote to the students in Shreveport. Even the ones who did write about culture just wrote: We speak Swahili. We wear skirts and dresses. We eat ugali. One student’s letter was a grand total of 6 sentences.

Well, that doesn’t tell anyone hardly anything. So, we had to have a discussion about how to write an informative letter. We also had to discuss how to write about different cultural aspects. For example, many girls wrote about clothes, but they wrote that everyone wears dresses and skirts. I had to remind them that the boys do not wear dresses and skirts and they need to write about what the boys wear too. Also, some wrote about how you have to wear “long clothes”, but never explained why. So, we had to talk about that. The main problem with the food is that they just made a list of foods, but that doesn’t say anything about the food. I want them to build use vocabulary to talk about how the food tastes, looks, how you make it, ect. So, we spent the whole week, writing and re-writing these letters. I had hoped to be done by Friday, but by Wednesday, that was no longer looking like an option. It doesn’t bother me, though I think the students were upset that we weren’t done by Friday. We’re just going to keep working on it. I can see that this is a really good activity for them because it’s really forcing them to have to think and fight with the English language. That’s what they need, though. It’s through our fights that we grow the most, and they will be better for it.

Next, (and this is SUPER exciting) I have finally received all my packages!!! I’m SOOO excited! How this came about is quite a story, but I’m just glad that it’s over now and that I understand what I will need to do in the future. Well, on Wednesday, Nadina’s husband went back to the post office to find out about my packages and he found out that that post office has not been received any mail from the main post office in months!!! Honestly, I’m not sure how I received word about my aunt’s package back in April, but no word about my mom’s packages. Well, once I found this out, I marched right over to the post office and pretty much demanded to know what was going on. I was sent to the sorting room where I explained what was happening and showed them the card for the school’s PO Box. At first, they only handed me a package that had been mailed to MATT way back in NOVEMBER!! I can’t even begin to imagine how long it’s been sitting there!! Anyways, I asked if there was anything else for that PO Box and they handed me the first package that my mom had sent me back at the beginning of February. I asked again if there was not anything else and you would not imagine the stack of mail that I was given for the church, school, and myself. It was like all the mail for the last 3 months (including two notices that my mom’s second package had arrived)!! So, as it turns out, the first of my mom’s packages has been here since MID-FEBRUARY! And the other one has been here since MARCH 30!! First of all, I was so excited and relieved that they have arrived in good condition. But then I was simply LIVID that they had been here for SOO long and I had NO idea!! I was able to walk away with Matt’s package (which was school supplies) and my smaller package without any problems or having to pay any money. But, I was forced to return Friday afternoon to do the whole customs thing to receive my other, larger package. It took 3 hours and they had to open it up with me there to see what was inside. But, after paying a hefty $40 in import fees and taxes, I was able to walk away with a wonderful package full of goodies from home. Thus, the day ended well enough for me.

Finally, this week has been really tough for me, emotionally and spiritually, as I have continued to wrestle with whether or not I should stay for another year. It was really hard because every time I made a decision in my mind, it would always seem like the wrong decision. It was so overwhelming to think about and finally I messaged some other missionaries in the area for help. I just really needed to talk to someone who would really understand where I was coming from. They invited me to spend the night on Wednesday and I was super excited! I had a great time getting to play with the kids and help prepare tacos for dinner. It’s always strange to me being in an American home environment after being in a Tanzanian home environment for so long. Well, after talking it through out loud with them, it became clear to me that I needed to stay. I’m so glad that God has blessed me with such wonderful support, not just at home, but also here. It was really hard to reach out for help, but God rewards those who stretch themselves beyond their comfort zones.

Although, I have admittance to the University of Utah for this fall, and even though I accepted at first, I have emailed them my regrets. I have talked to my recommenders and they have all agreed that they will re-recommend me this fall when I reapply. I understand that this is a pretty big risk, but this is the adventure of a lifetime and I’m not going to let it pass me by. It occurred to me the other day that I am living my dream. I’m not sure how many people actually get to say that, but I’m sure it’s not that many. It’s completely overwhelming to realize that I’m doing exactly what I feel like I was made to do; at least for now. I’ve been dreaming about coming here since I was in 7^th grade. It just doesn’t make sense to me why I should have so much passion for so long and it only amounts to six months. I’ve come to love it here, and even though it is hard quite often, I’m growing and learning so much, even as I am teaching. I’m just not ready to move on yet. Thus, I’m leaving it to God and I’m trusting that if it’s His will for me to go to graduate school, it will happen. I have my bachelor’s at least, so it’s not like I’ll be completely hopeless to get a job even if I don’t get into graduate school.

Thus, I shall continue to run the race that God has placed before me with everything that I have in me. I still plan to meet my parents in Europe in June so we can tour Switzerland, Italy, and France. Then, I will be home for a couple weeks at the end of June/beginning of July. Although I am really looking forward to this time with the precious people I have missed so much, I am also really glad that I’m going to be returning here afterwards. I’m SOOOOO excited!!! I’m getting to do all the things I wanted to do when I was growing up. I always wanted to be a world traveler and have the opportunity to live with and learn from other cultures and here I am living it!! Honestly, I don’t feel like I could be more blessed!! :D

“But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Phillippians 3:13-14

May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,

~Christine